I Live In A Tent, And That's Okay
by Ailetoile
Summary: AU. SasuNaru, GaaraNaru and many others. This is the story of how Sasuke came to live in a tent. Take Jerry Springer. Mix in Days of Our Lives and the Naruto characters, and shake. You will find yourself with an omgwtf story of epic proportions.
1. Prologue

A/N: Welcome to Days of Our Lives meets Jerry Springer meets Naruto. I assure you all that I am smoking nothing illegal, although you might not believe me towards the end of this. Actually, I can assure you that 80% of this is reality. People are frightening in their stupidity.  
  
This is just the prologue, which will hopefully set the scene fairly well. The real insanity starts in the next chapter. Foreseeable pairings are GaaraNaru, SasuNaru, GaaraSaku, TentenSasu and SakuNeji. See? Insanity. If you want serious, go check out my other fic, Blood Red.  
  
Reviews will make the crack come faster. Much faster, actually.  
  
Warnings: AU, character bastardization, yaoi, het, language, infidelity, complete and utter stupditiy. It's supposed to be funny, in a really omgwtf kind of way.  
  
Disclaimer: I take no responsibility for any implosions of brains or bashing of heads that occur as a result of reading this fic. I don't actually do this stuff. I just record it (and snicker at it). Also, I don't own Naruto. But I'm sure you could have guessed that, since I'm about to bastardize the characters three ways from Sunday for my own (and your) amusement.  
  
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When he was young, Naruto possessed a wild imagination. Once upon a time, he had envisioned himself climbing mountains, slaying monsters, maybe even becoming the president someday. He had fancied himself the best of the best, imagined that nothing could ever get in his way or hold him back.  
  
Then reality had knocked him upside the head.  
  
He wasn't much of a prankster anymore. He wasn't envisioning himself climbing mountains or slaying monsters or becoming president, either. Life had gotten in the way of his dreams.  
  
Reality was that he and his parents had had a fight when he was fifteen that was still unresolved now, almost twenty years later. Reality was that he had been married once and divorced within a year. Reality was that he was living now with a partner and three adopted children in a trailer in the middle of a desert that was falling apart after ten years of neglectful occupancy. Reality was that he was unemployed, that he was home schooling his three children while Gaara, his partner, worked for a measly ten bucks an hour at a dead-end job. Reality was that after ten years of living with Gaara, he was hopelessly addicted to the internet. In fact, he routinely spent more than ten hours a day in front of his computer, often neglecting housework, the only thing Gaara ever asked of him, in favor of putzing around online. It was his only means of escape.  
  
Nice life, huh?  
  
Actually, in a strange way, the whole situation sat quite well with Naruto. It wasn't what he had imagined as a child, but it was a fairly good life nonetheless. He enjoyed his relative lack of responsibility and the limited escape that the internet provided. Even though he was rather cold and distant, Gaara was not a bad partner. They straddled the line of poverty, but that was okay because they had what they really needed. They had clothes, food and a roof over their heads, and in their own way, they loved one another. Besides, there were always the three children.  
  
Konohamaru, Moegi and Udon were Naruto's pride and joy. With the three of them constantly in his presence, he was never alone, never completely isolated. What did he need his parents for when he had such wonderful kids? He adored his children, was proud of the academic prowess that they all showed as he home schooled them. Even though it meant that he and Gaara often had to go without, Naruto rarely felt guilty about spending the large majority of their meager income on his children.  
  
Life with Gaara could have been a lot worse. They got along fairly well when they had to, and the rest of the time they simply coexisted in silence. Between Gaara's job, Naruto's internet addiction and the kids, they rarely saw one another alone for any extended amount of time. When they did find time to spend together, they typically didn't talk much, didn't do much of anything. They had sex, and that was about it. Gaara was very, very good in bed. That was probably what Naruto liked best about him. Maybe that was why he had decided to spend his life with the silent man, committed in all but actual marriage vows. One marriage had been enough for Naruto.  
  
Although he despised the desert he lived in, knew that he and Gaara could do much better for themselves, he tolerated it as best he could. They were there because of Gaara's family, renting the trailer from his brother and sister. It would be a lie to say that Gaara and his siblings were close, but family was family was family. In their own way, they looked out for one another. Naruto didn't agree, but he respected his partner's wish. It was best not to anger Gaara unnecessarily, and since the man was providing for him and his children Naruto really couldn't complain.  
  
So he escaped to the internet, hiding in the trailer that was falling apart around him and emerging only when he had to perform parental duties for his children or when Sakura, his best friend, managed to coax him out.  
  
He spent his days role playing, often allowing his words to help him escape to the worlds that he knew he would never be able to find in real life. His frequent attendance in many of these role playing venues earned him friends, loyal followers who spent more time with him each day than his own family.  
  
From time to time, one of these followers would move into the role of significant other for Naruto in the games they played. Gaara was always duly informed of these relationships, but he never particularly cared. They were internet people; to him, they weren't real. As long as Naruto never allowed these pretend relationships affect his real life, he was allowed to do as he pleased without recourse. This attitude kept the peace for years.  
  
Almost every day passed like the one before, rarely changing or deviating from the norm. He woke, spent hours upon hours dividing his attention between his computer and his children, occasionally fooled around with Gaara and then went to sleep to start all over the next day.  
  
Then, one day, everything changed. That was the day he met Sasuke. 


	2. One September Day

**A/N**: Wow... Thank you for all of the reviews. It is appreciated more than I think you guys know. The real stupidity starts in this chapter, and keeps getting worse from here on out. It starts out light, but don't be fooled by harmless appearances. Just when you think that it can't get any dumber... Well, it manages. Constantly.  
  
Just a few notes... I will be using the term MUD quite a bit in this fic. MUD is an acronym for Multi-User Dungeon, and it's essentially a text-based role playing game. Think Everquest without any pictures. It tends to have a smaller and much more intimate community than the graphical games because of the amount of reading and writing involved.  
  
Also, I swear on my life that there will be someone living in a tent by the end of this fic. It doesn't happen right away, but it's coming. The sad thing is that the tent isn't even close to the most pathetic part of this whole story.  
  
Finally, I suppose that now would be a good place to say that I might, MIGHT, end up breaking my personal rule about not writing anything raunchier than kissing scenes for the sake of doing this whole drama justice. No promises, and I definitely won't promise a full-blown lemon, but I've been thinking about writing something a little juicier since I don't really have to worry about keeping the characters too terribly in character as they "grow" during this fic. You know, AU and all.  
  
I hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it!  
  
Reviews will make the crack come faster. Much, much faster, actually.  
  
**Warnings**: AU, drama, character bastardization, yaoi, het, language, infidelity, complete and utter stupidity. It's supposed to be funny, in a really omgwtf kind of way.  
  
**Disclaimer**: I take no responsibility for any implosions of brains or bashing of heads that occur as a result of reading this fic. I don't actually do this stuff. I just record it (and snicker at it). Also, I don't own Naruto. But I'm sure you could have guessed that, since I'm about to bastardize the characters three ways from Sunday for my own (and your) amusement.  
  
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It was six o'clock on a typical September morning in Arizona. Bright, disgustingly sunny and hotter than hell. Naruto could hear Gaara moving around in the bathroom as he got ready for work. Oh, yes, must not forget the two children jumping on Naruto and laughing hysterically while the youngest, Udon, smiled around the thumb he was sucking as he stood next to his father's head.  
  
Try as he might, the blonde could not ignore the ruckus enough to find sleep again. Who needed an alarm clock when he had his family? Well, he could play their game, too.  
  
Moegi and Konohamaru had a moment's warning to scramble away as the body beneath them tensed, but Naruto was faster. With the skill acquired from years of practice, he lunged at the two children, capturing them in his arms and wrapping them up in a bear hug that squeezed the breath from all three of their laughing bodies. He could not help but grin as Udon climbed into his lap, determined not to be left out of the fun.  
  
Their morning routine began in earnest as Gaara walked out the door, leaving Naruto and the kids to leave the bedroom and wander into the kitchen in search of food.  
  
Breakfast was, as always, a messy affair. Three kids, all under the age of seven, are simply incapable of eating neatly. Naruto didn't mind, though. He suffered their chatter and their indecision in good-humored silence, not even complaining when each child wanted to eat something different. His patience was admirable.  
  
Breakfast passed without incident, and the kids fled one by one to sit in front of the television. Naruto took a few moments to at least try to straighten the disaster that was the kitchen before giving up. Without further ado, he hurried back to his room and booted up his computer. It was barely seven in the morning, but he could not help but feel that he was running late. He had so much to do before taking a break at 10 to start the kids on their school lessons.  
  
Of course, 'so much to do' referred to the amount of role playing that had to have occurred without him. Most of the regulars on the MUD he was currently addicted to lived on the east coast, two hours ahead of him, which meant that it was inevitable that he would miss the first few hours of their presence every morning unless he wanted to wake up at four or five instead of his established six o'clock. His addiction hadn't quite reached that point, yet.  
  
Let us stop for a few moments here to make a very important distinction.  
  
It is vital to understand that Naruto and the character that he role played were really nothing at all alike. In real life, Naruto was tall, blonde- haired and blue-eyed, and bouncy as hell. He was the epitome of happy optimism to the point that he and Gaara honestly could not really understand one another most of the time. It was near impossible to bring the boy down, but when it happened... Well, he was not quick to forgive. The fact that he hadn't spoken to his parents in almost twenty years certainly proved that. He thrived off of attention, and in that, the life that he was living was slowly killing him. The only contact he really had with people was with his family and Sakura's family. Hell, he barely even saw Gaara's siblings.  
  
The character that he role played online was based heavily on Gaara and his personality. Stick with what you know, and all that. Online, he described himself as shorter, lanky with a shock of red hair and green eyes that could only be called piercing. He was calm but short tempered, cool to the point of rudeness and extremely blunt. He could have been dubbed sullen, and that wouldn't have been too far off the mark. The only real difference between the Gaara he lived with and the Gaara he played was that the fake Gaara was much, much more talkative than his real life counterpart. Naruto simply couldn't not talk.  
  
This particular morning was just like any other. Naruto logged on as quickly as his computer would allow him, automatically checking to see who else was online. He was relieved to see that only one other member of his role playing community was present; maybe he hadn't missed anything important after all.  
  
That other person's name was Sasuke. He was relatively new to Naruto's little group, was still working out the last few kinks in his character's personality, but he made an interesting addition. He was very good at losing himself in his character's personality. So good, in fact, that Naruto wasn't sure whether anyone knew anything real about the boy beyond his name and gender. For someone like Naruto, who made a point of getting to know his peers on a personal level, the frustration at Sasuke's secrecy almost outweighed the benefits that his creativity brought to their games.  
  
This is why it can be said that Naruto actually met Sasuke one typical September morning in Arizona. They were acquaintances, kind of, but never friends.  
  
Apparently, Sasuke was not enjoying his time alone, for within a few moments he had sought Naruto out. Given that Naruto had pegged Sasuke's character as a bit of a loner, this subtle plea for company startled him. After a few moments of sitting in the room together in silence, Naruto shrugged and began to type. "Hi there. What do you need?"  
  
The boy was generally very straightforward, and now was no exception. "Want to hunt with me?"  
  
"No hello?" Naruto responded, laughing softly as he typed. "Since you are asking me for a favor, perhaps you could be a bit more polite."  
  
"Do you want to hunt or don't you?"  
  
The blonde sighed, taking a few moments to think. Finally, he answered with the most neutral thing that he could think of: "Give me three good reasons why I should."  
  
The character that Naruto played had a short temper, much shorter than his real temper, but he wasn't quite sure that Sasuke was _playing_. He didn't know Sasuke's real temperament well enough to know whether the young man expected realistic reactions or in-character ones. He didn't know which of his two personalities to respond as.  
  
The first part of his answer came almost immediately, and the blonde raised an eyebrow at the speed with which his companion was typing. "Easy. One, there would be two of us so we can kill bigger things. Two, you're a mage and I'm a warrior. Your magic will keep me alive longer and I can take hits from things that would kill you. It's a win-win situation."  
  
Sasuke paused for several minutes, then. He was silent for long enough that Naruto began to frown at the screen, tapping it idly as he waited. Finally, the blonde poked him in the hope of getting a reaction, adding, "Well? I still need a third reason."  
  
He was caught completely off guard when Sasuke responded with a kiss, followed by the words, "And three, because I'd like to get to know you better. You interest me. Is that a good enough reason, or do I need to think of another?"  
  
Now, Naruto had been kissed before. He had been married once, had been living with a man that he loved for ten years. He'd been kissed and more online as well, was an old hand of _every _kind of "creative writing" as it were. Emoting on the internet never bothered him; in fact, it often struck him as an interesting way to have a bit of fun. Words could do a lot more than some people gave them credit for.  
  
Never before, though, had any sort of kiss ever caught him quite so much by surprise as this one had. In fact, he had been rendered speechless, an impossibility in and of itself. He didn't have a clue what to say or do. In the past, he had always known the person doing the kissing, had always been comfortable enough that his reaction was pretty much going to be a positive one. Whether he was kissing in character or in real life, he always _knew_ who he was locking lips with. He actually wasn't much into casual sex, and neither were the personas he played.  
  
He didn't know Sasuke, though. That was the whole problem.  
  
It took him a few seconds, but he managed to collect himself enough to type a quick question. "Why?"  
  
Hey, he had never prided himself on his intellect. Besides, the abrupt sound of shrieking children had set his mommy senses tingling. Dealing with Sasuke took a very, very far second place to caring for his children.  
  
With that thought, and a small smile, Naruto rose from the chair with his question unanswered and without so much as a BRB. 


	3. One September Day II

**A/N**: This is going to be the last "slow" chapter in the fic. Really, I just wanted to establish the kind of life Naruto leads, as well as his relationship with his kids. Things are going to start progressing MUCH faster in the next chapter (which I am going to start working on like, now, actually). The next update will come in the next day or two, I hope.  
  
There will also be a ton of SasuNaru and GaaraNaru moments to come, for those who are only reading this for one of those two pairings. Although, I do have to warn you that it is SasuNaru in the end.  
  
In response to questions asked in reviews... Role playing is something that can be done either online or in real life, where you get together with a group of other people and essentially build yourselves new personalities. Then, you get to interact with one another and maintain those different personalities. It has the potential to be both fun and scary.  
  
Also, Sasuke really will be living in a tent in this fic. Not online, but for real.  
  
Reviews will make the crack come faster. Much, much faster, actually. They also make the author happier than you guys could imagine.  
  
**Warnings**: AU, drama, character bastardization, yaoi, het, language, infidelity, potential lemon, complete and utter stupidity. It's supposed to be funny, in a really omgwtf kind of way.  
  
**Disclaimer**: I take no responsibility for any implosions of brains or bashing of heads that occur as a result of reading this fic. I don't actually do this stuff. I just record it (and snicker at it). Also, I don't own Naruto. But I'm sure you could have guessed that, since I'm about to bastardize the characters three ways from Sunday for my own (and your) amusement.  
  
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As it turned out, Udon was the crying child, although Moegi wasn't far behind him judging by the scrunched-up look on her face. Both of their attention was focused on Konohamaru, who was standing on the couch with the remote held as high above his head as he could manage.  
  
"Give it back, Konohamaru!" Moegi shrieked, climbing onto the couch and standing unsteadily next to her older brother in a vain attempt to reach the control. "We were WATCHING that!"  
  
Briefly, Naruto glanced at the television screen. He had enough time to see that the current program was definitely NOT something that had been parentally condoned before a dull thump and a new round of sobbing brought his attention back to the kids.  
  
Konohamaru was on the floor, clutching his head and sobbing. Moegi had scrambled off the couch to retrieve the forgotten remote control, beaming triumphantly as she fumbled with the buttons. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she had pushed her brother off the couch. With a small growl, Naruto started forward, making his presence known.  
  
A quick check ensured that Konohamaru was not seriously injured, much to Naruto's relief. His immediate concern gone, he turned on the three kids, frowning darkly. "How many times do I have to tell you three not to fight? Especially not over something as stupid as a television remote!"  
  
"But we were watching a show and Konohamaru changed the channel," Moegi protested, tears welling up in her too-wide eyes again as she stared at her father.  
  
The innocent act would have worked on most people, but not Naruto. He had seen it too many times to be affected. "That was no excuse to push your brother off the couch," he reminded her pointedly. There was no way she was getting out of this without a punishment.  
  
She opened her mouth to protest, but Naruto never gave her the chance. "To your rooms, both of you."  
  
"Udon bit me when I tried to take the control," Konohamaru piped up between sniffles, glaring at the younger boy as he held up his arm for inspection. It was indeed red. The blonde closed his eyes and prayed briefly for patience before refocusing his glare on all three of his children.  
  
"Udon, too, then. All three of you to your rooms. Now."  
  
Surprisingly, they didn't argue. They trooped into their rooms obediently while Naruto followed a few steps behind. He could kill two birds with one stone and give Konohamaru and Moegi some school work to do while they were on time-out. That would keep them busy for the better part of an hour, at least.  
  
The youngest, Udon, actually curled up next to his sulking brother on Konohamaru's bed and snuggled in as though for a nap, an unexpected break for Naruto. Not only did a sleeping Udon pretty much ensure that he and Konohamaru would refrain from fighting, but also it freed Naruto from having to find something non-television related for the young boy to do.  
  
It didn't take long to get all three of them settled in, but Naruto still hurried back to his computer. He was anxious to see what Sasuke had said in his short absence.  
  
The first thing he noticed was that Sasuke had responded to his question. The second thing he noticed was that Sasuke logged off of the MUD as Naruto sat down at the computer again. Damnit.  
  
The blonde couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt at having left his companion alone for so long without so much as a warning of his absence, but more than that he felt strangely sad that Sasuke was gone. He realized with a start that he had actually been looking forward to spending some time getting to know the other man a bit better. He had never actually seen Sasuke alone before, and now he regretted the loss of that time.  
  
With a slightly heavier heart, he turned his attention to the words on the screen that Sasuke had left for him, blinking rapidly as he read.  
  
"I want to get to know you better. I really do. I have seen the way you act both in character and as your real self, and I have to say that I am intrigued. Perhaps our characters could develop a relationship. I know that I wouldn't mind. I know that my girlfriend would not see you as a threat since you're a male. What do you think?"  
  
And then, after that: "Hello? Are you there? Well, think on it. I have to go for a while, but I'll be back in a little bit. Tell me what you want to do."  
  
With a sigh, Naruto flopped backward into the comforting embrace of his chair. He didn't know so much about the dating a stranger online thing, but now more than ever he was sorry that he had missed the chance to spend some time with Sasuke.  
  
Besides, if he got to know the other man a bit better they wouldn't be strangers, now would they?  
  
The thought put a smile on Naruto's face as he sat in the silent heat of the trailer and contemplated.  
  
There really wasn't much of a question. The more Naruto thought about it, the more he realized that he was beyond eager to learn more about Sasuke in all of his depth. He had never been quite so excited about the prospect of getting to know anyone. What was so different about Sasuke, the boy that he had only known online for a few weeks?  
  
Naruto highly suspected that he was going to find out. 


End file.
